This week has been pretty weird. I got really sick on Monday with Katie. After eating some great stirfry and driving to Carmike Cinemas I got a migraine half way into our movie, threw up twice and had to go out to my car to sleep. Katie drove us home in my car and then I took some pain medicine that knocked me out. Tuesday I slept for a few hours at work and then hung out with Katie again, barely awake and weak. Wednesday and Thursday were the same. I have had a coming and going migraine all week. I have been very tired and unfocused, disociated. I also have not been sleeping very well. I wake up every few hours and in the morning I feel unrested and worn out. I don't know if this is all a mental state or if my body is really ill with something.

This all bring me to last night, Thursday. I had a guest visit until 12:30am. After he left I got in bed and turned off the tv for immediate resting. I thought about Toby. Its not unusual for me to think about him before bed. Its the only time, I have learned, where I can listen to my thoughts and my soul without interruption or things persuading them in other directions. Sometimes I cry, but its short and ends abruptly. This night I was thinking about his mother. She died two days after 9/11 from an accidental overdose. Toby had told me many stories about her. I had seen pictures and home movies. I had always felt a strange connection to her. There was a calmness that came over me upon looking at her pictures. It was like her soul radiated out from them. Toby and I had talked about the many coincidences in our relationship and between the two of us. He mentioned that every sibling he had and their animals had all had names that began with 'T', so anyone he ended up with would most likely have the same. Its a small coincidence, but one of many. There was a slight de' javu that Toby expressed to me. Eitherway, one time I came over and there was a paper plate on the table. Toby had written "my mom would have chosen you" on it and when I asked him what it meant, he said that it meant exactly what I thought it meant. I kept the plate.

So, I was reflecting on the love and respect on Toby's face when he talked about her and the pain in his eyes when he finally told me about her death. I got sick to my stomach and ached all over for him, because I often feel like I have left him all alone. That I have contributed to that awesome loss and loneliness, all the sadness was brought out again by me and then I left him to dwell in it alone. I fell alseep with these thoughts in mind.

As I slept I had a beautiful dream. It started as a night sky filled with millions of glimmering stars. Then, the sky started to wave and sway. A face emerged from the darkness, Toby's mother. Her hair became the sky, with waving stars in it, curling on the edges of the universe. She had her hands held up to her mouth, so I could only see her eyes. I just stared into them, for an unmeasureable moment in time. I saw my life in them and every story Toby had told me of his. I felt an array of emotions, ranging from Ecstatic to despair. She slowly closed her eyes and a single tear dropped down from her lashes, one for each eye. When she reopened them they were changing colors; green to brown, swirling. She said "Forgive and forget. Live without regret." I couldn't see her lips moving. It was as if her eyes were speaking silently to me. Then, she moved her hands down away from her mouth and her lips puckered as she blew on her hands, like blowing a kiss to me. As she a blew a million little speckles of golden twinkling dust covered me. It was gorgeous and wondrous. It felt refreashing and rejuvinating. I closed my eyes to feel it and swim inside of it. She spoke again saying, "You cannot deny the truths of love." I opened my eyes to see her again, but she was gone and Toby was in front of me now. I only saw him for a split second, because my alarm went off to wake me for work.

I laid in bed for a few minutes contemplating what I was supposed to take from this dream, whether it was really a sign from her, or maybe I was trying to stiffle my swelling emotions before I tried to get up for the long day ahead of me. I sat up in bed, stretched and looked out across my room. There was a stack of papers and such that had fallen from my dresser onto the floor. I went over to pick them up and reorganize them, but when I got there I was shocked. It was the pile of papers I had put the paper plate in that Toby had written about his mom on. In the middle of all the papers it laid in plain view. I left for work without touching a thing.

I still don't know how to react. It wasn't just the dream, the scattered papers, or the fact that I slept amazingly sound last night. It was the fact that it felt so real. That It wasn't a landscape dream or one where I walked on the ground of my imagination. I was floating, without time, without space. It was as if I had crossed over into her existance. My dream with her wasn't a dream to me at all. Wherever I had gone was totally created and made up by her; her energy, her soul, her mind. I cannot describe the shifting in me. I can only hope Toby has encountered something similar, for I'd be foolish to suppose he would believe me.